The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
time to smoke my breakfast
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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