o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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