She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
