i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
