I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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