Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
