Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
