this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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