Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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