We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.