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The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
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