The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick