I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
