I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
