If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to cum in my sink.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
