Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
3pm strippers are depressing
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
