I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize