I think im going to throw up on grandma
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
