We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
