the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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