I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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