Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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