A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
