and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
