I faked an abortion last night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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