i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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