There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
