mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
