I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
