It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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