Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
