I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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