I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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