Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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