How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
