i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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