Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When are your genitals available?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
