Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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