we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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