did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
