I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
