Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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