I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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