We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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