i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
