I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
