I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
