So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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