I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
