I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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