I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
