Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
