what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
