the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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