I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was confusing and full of hummus
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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