I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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