i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
