I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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