You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i now understand why vodka
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
