He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
God, I missed his penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
