you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
