I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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