there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
