my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
