A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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