Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
